Farewell

My gorgeous M.
I shouldn't say this, but I am still in love with you. You've arrested my heart, but there's something special about you that makes me very pleased to continue loving you. I like you the way you are, doesn't matter if you are getting overweight or thinner, weaker or stronger, more intelligent or ignorant, poor or wealthy. It hurts to have feelings inside can't be let out, so... let me love you please...
I want to listen to your voice, hear about your dreams and achievements. I will solve all your troubles with my love. I will create a powerful cosmic energy which will bring you to me every time you feel unhappy. I will be your shelter, and my words will keep you warm and calm you.
I want you to know that I miss you when I wake up and when I've drunk the third glass of wine; that I feel cold listening to love songs and when I go to the movies I want to hold your hand. When I feel bad and cry after reading Kafka, or when I wonder about my future, I miss you. When I want to share my happiness because I got good marks in my exams, or when I just need someones arms to shelter in, and when I lie in bed before sleeping... I miss you. I'd love to be in your mind just for a second. I just want to know that you had thought about me for a brief moment. If life is about longing and waiting, please teach me how to wait for you. I keep trying, but I cant get you out of my heart.
Your vulnerability induced a sentiment of protectiveness in me. Day by day I dream of having you "again". I want to touch your face, make caresses in your hair. I'd like to dive into your sparkling eyes and possess your soul for my extreme pleasure. Feeling your heart exploding so profoundly against mine. It would erupt all my emotion to have you in my arms. Feeling the flavour of your sweet kisses, hugging you tight enough to feel your heart pulse against mine, so we will become a single body, full of fellowship, passion, love... I would provide the pure love which you have never felt from someone in all your entire life. I'll never hide my wishes and feelings for you.
My heart used to beat so quickly every single time you sent a message to me. I was a slave to your words. Its true, sometimes you didn't understand my unclear messages. You're a native to this distant island, and I am just a foreigner from the continent. But even though I don't come from an English speaking country, both of us know love's language. It's fair enough to make our romance full of life, beauty, and happiness. Unfortunately you rarely talked about love, actually you don't like the word "love". Just because I adore this word... amor, amore, amour, liebe, любовь, حب , 愛... love

I miss you my gorgeous M.
You who I can't find on here anymore, you who one day I used to love drastically. You have left me with no reason. That is so sad, so mad, so painful... I guess that my affection wasn't great enough to fill your heart. I've tried to lie to myself thinking that you have gone forever, but the reality is that you are perpetuated inside of me so far. I can't forget you my M.
But you never wanted to accept my heart, never tried to listen to my words of love, or meet my passion.
If you were the noble I was just your servant. In fact I'm nothing to you, I'm just bullshit...
You left me this cold winter saying that long distance love doesn't work. That's not fair. Once I heard that distance is irrelevant when love exists. This incredible sentiment overcomes any barriers, and if we are in each other's hearts, we'd be always together.
Nevertheless you didn't even want to try. I just want you to know that summer will come soon, and I won't be here waiting for you.

At the end of it all you are still with me, but stuck in what I've created and not really inside of me. You don't have a name, and I do have one. You are a pretty face in the crowd, but I'm the centre of attention. Anyway appearances can be deceiving. This dangerous game which we practice in life, seeks to maximise and approach people, by accepting the distance and recognising itself as a whole. We live in a big world, with many countries, but there is no border when love exists. Between you and I there's only you to separate us. I wanted you to stare deeply at my body, because it mirrors the naked truth about you.
Words are words and we don't realise what we really said one to another. Our life depends just and only on us. I've tried a way to explain how you could accept my love, my affection, my tenderness... I assume I am a romantic guy who fantasizes all my sentiments, but that is my way to contemplate the supreme love which I have for you.

My dear M. You see?! I have tried to express my feelings for you. Forgive me for being so silly and mad.
Life isn't always a bed of roses... The fantasy of my dreams will keep on the flame of my heart. I wish I was strong enough to endure this situation. I can't erase you from my thoughts. As much as I try to avoid you, you're always into my mind. I have cried, smiled and felt emotions, which made me more sensible or perhaps stronger.
Anyway thank you for giving me part of your precious time. I'll try to forget you from now on. I just want to let you know that life has many different chapters for us. One bad chapter doesn't mean the end of the book.
M., you have stolen my feelings and my well-being, but don't think you will have all my life to snub my heart, because my love will go away as fast as the time goes.

Its freezing here. It has damaged my mind, and my heart is covered by ice. Unfortunately a person doesn't exist who I can call my love. There is nobody to heat me in this cold weather. There is no one who can tell me words of love. The naked truth is that I am frozen, my heart is frozen, my soul is frozen... and I am still asking to myself, "Where is my love? Where is my M.?"
My life will never be the same. My peace might be back some day. I just wish to have the sun shining again.
Thanks so much for all, my little insignificant M.
I wish you all the very best.
Goodbye

amarothi

Photo: Moacyr Medeiros Alves

"Life Only Happens Once"

Before starting on my critical incident I want to define the word friend. What does friendship mean for you?
The Cambridge dictionary says: “a person who you know well and who you like a lot, but who is usually not a member of your family." There are various types of friendship, but we only tend to be friends with those who share similar traits or attitudes to ourselves. Therefore I am going to relate a story about a precious friend who became a platonic love. Be warned, my dear reader this is not a happy story.

We will return to the past, but not too far. I would say one semester ago, when there still weren’t any leaves on the trees. On that memorable, cold and gray day I was pleased to be wearing my new long black coat for the first time, and thinking to myself, how do  people survive living in a place like Siberia ? My tropical heart didn’t yet know the true feel of coldness. In the spite of he weather, I was hopefull, walking with my brief case full of CVs, handing these one by one to each restaurant in town. As I had previous experience as a waiter, I thought it would be easy to find a job and moreover I was in Auckland - the gastronomic city.

Suddenly I realised that had walked quite a lot a long way, because I was already next to the cemetery, I had just passed the bridge. Now I wasn't very happy, I'd seen the odd  Café but no restaurants yet. Was I struggling in vain?! Aweful weather, it didn't look like it would change soon. Anyway I kept walking, and then it was my good fortune to see something written in Italian. I felt exited because my background is Italian and I can  speak the language. I went straight in to look for someone who could accept my CV. On that hopeful day I met Giuliana, who is the leading lady of this story. She smiled and asked, "May I help you?" I knew she was Italian, her accent wouldn’t lie to me. Just to make sure I riplied, Parla Italiano? We started on exited conversation about Italy. Giuliana was glad when we found that I had been in her hometown and she was interested in what I had done in her city. It turned out Giuliana was a waitress and would give my CV to her boss. On that same day I received a call from the restaurant, “Come tomorrow at 6h30pm.”

I was really  keen to work there, it would be perfect for practicing my Italian, and what’s more I could earn money while I did it. I arrived fifteen minutes before my duty, hoping to meet and talk to Giuliana, but I couldn’t find her. The boss was there already, he was from Naples , a traditional Italian man who spoke loudly and gesturing with hands. He gave me all the instructions. I was absolutely worried about what I had to do to get the job. So, I tried to breathe deeply to keep myself calm. Suddenly Giuliana appeared behind me saying my name, and when I turned my face to her I saw these gorgeous sparkling eyes accompanied with a pretty smile saying, "Good Luck." She had just made my night.

At the beginning of the night I was a little lost, mostly because the “il Capo” (the boss) wanted to speak only Italian with the staff and the clients were New Zealanders. Although I was Ok in both languages, my mother tongue is Portuguese, and my mind went blank several times. I was really confused. Fortunately Giuliana was there patiently helping me and giving me clues all the time. I did my best. At the end of the night I heard from il Capo, “I appreciated your work, the job is yours.” I was so happy, and at the same time I thanked Giuliana. She responded with the sweetest voice I’d heard,” You are great, it was my pleasure. I helped because you seem to be a nice guy.” I was unconditionally and irrevocably falling in love with this adorable girl. How was that possible? I had just met her two days before. I couldn’t understand how strong that feeling was. Perhaps it was the influence of the weather, those cold gray days had made me weak and lonely. She was so generous and gracious with me. 

My second day of work was more comfortable than the first, I knew most things already, I just needed to learn the menu. I was getting better day by day. Giuliana and I became closer, sharing ideas and experiences. She wasn’t just a pretty face, I discovered she was intelligent. We also had many similarities, like having two young brothers, divorced parents, a passion for reading Agatha Christie and George Orwell. One day she told me one secret about our restaurant. It was hard to believe, but that particular building where we served delicious Italian food used to be a funeral parlour about 30 years ago. I became terrified I couldn’t have imagined that.

Two weeks had passed already, and it was on Thursday. I woke up badly in that morning, feeling something wrong with the day. It was absolutely cold. When I left home I noticed white stuff on the grass, New Zealanders call it frost. It was new for me. I wasn’t well, I felt sad and a little depressed. But I had to go to school. In the class I couldn’t focus on my studies, because Giuliana was in my mind all the time. When I arrived home I made the decision to open my heart to her the following night. I was right about my feelings, and I couldn’t lie to myself.

The cold was hurting my soul. Nevertheless I put on my work uniform and went to the job as if I was going to war. My courage and conviction would help me to declare my love for Giuliana. When I arrived at my work I ran to every single corner to find her. The restaurant was empty. I thought to myself, “where is everyone?”  I stopped in the centre of the room, and for the first time I looked carefully at the pillars. My eyes moved to the wood roof and followed to the altar. I asked to myself, "Is that a real altar? How could I not notice it before?” How many people had been veiled in that dark location? How many more had cried for a lost loved person? So much suffering, anguish and sadness. I was shocked with my perception. My heart was beating so fast I thought it would jump from my chest. I broke down in tears, I wanted to run off, but I bumped into the Chef. He asked me, “What are you doing here?” I said, “Where are the other staff ?” He stared deeply into my eyes, "Why are you wearing the uniform? We are not open tonight, I'm calling to cancel all the bookings. As you know last night one of the waitresses, Giuliana, went out for a drink with some friends. They were drunk and there was a car crash. There were any survivors. I thought you knew?! I am so sorry Thiago"

My hope was like smoke... I lost my love, my friend, my joy... I was extremely distressed, broke down and cried for the rest of the night. I never went back to the restaurant after that painful day.

My precious Giuliana had became an angel. I learned from her that we should never keep our emotions to ourselves. We must express our sentiments any way we can, it doesn’t matter who we have them for. Life has changed for me in different ways. I want to make those who are part of me happy, even though depression is perpectuated on me. I always try to tell my friends how much I love them. The most important time in our life is the present, today and now. We can guess about the future but, we never actually know how it is going to be.  

I miss Giuliana. Her scent is still with me, but our sweet kiss was only real in my dreams.

amarothi

Photo: Moacyr Medeiros Alves